God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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