Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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