Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
