RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
