haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
