ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
