i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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