How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
