Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
