guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
