You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
