Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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