were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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