i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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