I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just had sex on a roof
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
