I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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