When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
