fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
