He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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