Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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