I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
