She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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