also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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