with your own penis?
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
