You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
