i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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