that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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