i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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