I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
