i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
