They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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