well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
