What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
