you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
