I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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