i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
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You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
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Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding