He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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