Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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