omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
