Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
