i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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