Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
