I never want to see another naked old woman again.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
