I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
