Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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