How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
