My sheets look like a crime scene.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
