you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
