sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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