Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
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my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
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I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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