I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
