1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
