Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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