My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
