Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
