I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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