Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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