Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
