Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She bit a glass in half.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
pray to the hookup gods
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
