sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
