He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
