what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
